again! again!

They appeared in my dreams again! At the same time?? What? At first I dreamt my elder brother jumped 20 storeys for some stunt show. Big deal. And then I met shai, and as we were walking down the stairs, I saw her. So I hurried away, and shai insisted we meet his best friend.

When we reached the bottom floor, shai started talking to her, and her friend, and I just stood to one side, just being awkward. Den suddenly she arrived, and my awkwardness became even more pronounced. And both their partners appeared, it was a supermarket, and the sense that both of them were getting married was immense. And I felt angry! Like as if I wanted to be those partners.

Its crap man. Total crap. I haven't met them, haven't thought about either one of them, but somehow they always make it into my dreams. Bloody hell. And I'm about to tie the knot in a few months and this bloody thing shad to happen.

Am I going to keep being bothered by them the rest of my life? There's always a feeling of what if when I dream this things and I frankly don't need it or want it. Fml. Now I'm feeling nauseous.

Need to do my essay man. And hope my feeling of crappiness dissipates soon.

Goodbye

I had a dream of her yesterday.

For the first time in so many years, I actually visualised her. In it, she was beautiful and she was shining, like she was so absolutely happy that nothing could make her sad. Yet she gave me a sad smile, and there were words, but I can't remember what they were.

I just felt a sadness and a feeling of goodbye.

A friend asked why I thought she was the perfect one for me. I just replied " in that 9 months we were together, I was always happy."

She's gone now, whereever she is. She added me on facebook a few months ago, but I adamantly refused to accept her friendship. I'm petty that way I guess, but I will never forgive her for leaving.

I still wonder why.

I might be happy that 9 months, but I've been miserable ever since. Hana and I have so much to bicker about, but when the chips are down and the friends refuse to help, I know she will always save me. She will always laugh at my jokes and she is patient with my idiosyncracies.

I traded the love of my life for my soulmate. And I have no qualms to say that Hana will always be my perfect partner.

Goodbye Mira. You were the most awesome gf a guy could ask for. But u never saw me as anything more than a means to an end. I was never anything but a passing chapter in your book.

May your future be blessed, and your love be pure. Because mine is.

Thinking of my bimbo princess so far away. Honey, enjoy ur trip ok.. I love u and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with u.

Seba Duvall

Rage against the Machine

Pedalling never seemed so bloody hard siah. I just bought my bike, a second hand merida with sora parts at 700 with speedo meters added to the mix. It was frakking thrilling to be zooming around at 30-odd kmh, but right now im reaping what i Sow: my balls are aching! LOL

Im aiming to hit Sembawang Park and back next, before going further afield. Its nice to know that living in the north means you can go either east or west easily!

Im heading for my last brunei trip in mid-may. Good thing ill be able to celebrate my anniversary with my lovely partner Hana, and hopefully we'll last a lot longer than we're supposed to(since we were expected to last about a week together according to our supportive friends).

Im still aiming to finish the half marathon this year. Means i have to start clocking in mileage, and hopefully, hit at least 16 km before august. I think its doable? but need to have some sort of encouragement. Maybe those rock hard abs ive always wanted to have can be achieved once im fitter.

On the coaching front, i still have yet to get anything done. It looks pretty hard to get thru to the FAS, since they arent very clear on their webby. ill have to come up with a way to get thru to them..
:)

im moving forward! woo hoo!

Next step

Ive decided. Im going to teach.

Ive decided. Im going to coach football. Join Fifa. gotta go for my pre=lim license and my C coaching license first.

Because if i got it, ill be acheiving my COACH CARTER fantasy. haha

Ive decided. To stop deciding.

Self destruction

I'm pour some oil and flick a light.

Self-immolation.

Dreams

Are they real? Are your futures fortold, your life documented in flashes of movie imagery, with the sole viewer being you and no one else?

Are they just impulses from the brain of what your subconcious really wants? Your innermost desires, your most darkest, most sadistic desires?

Are they metaphors, to allow you to see things that you are never meant to see? The secrets of life itself?

Or are they utter rubbish. Just another dosage of cosmic entertainment as you rest, the song you hear as the doors close and the lift moves to the next floor?

It was so real. I saw you, with someone else, and it hurt. I felt lost.

We were in a restaurant.

You told me that you can't be with me. That you left because you had your reasons, and that you were happy now.

And you said you couldn't bear my child.

Then the scene shifted. And it became her. And me. Her face was slightly older, slightly more world weary. But there was an enthusiasm that I had never seen before. She took my hand and placed it on her stomach. And then she said," don't worry. I will have your baby."

it felt so real.

But like I said. It's utter rubbish.

Something New?

Im in my fourth year of my Army life.. things are getting a little monotonous, a little guessable.. im going to be 24 next year, and im still unable to write anything on Ilyas.

Ive applied for SMU. and Ive applied to the American University of Richmond in the UK. Thats just a dream. I cant afford to pay 120k just to get a degree. But hell, it would be so much fun to go.

I want to travel again. I want to discover myself, because frankly, i havent found anything worthwhile about myself. I figured out that i am capable of the best and the worst things, and that i am never at ease or at peace with myself. I realise that I am the worst part of being Human. Hopefully, i can move on. Hopefully.

I dunnoe how im feeling. I dun want to know why im here. I just want to desroy everything thats good and real because it isnt.

so difficult to explain. So badly in need of an outlet. Here it is. And your still my muse.

Im doing my S.A.T.S

Can you believe it? I have no idea how im going to ace it, but its my shot to get into SMU and if it works, ill be on course to get my teaching license. Imagine that! :)

Halo ODST

Im not a halo fan. But just check this out..

Social Relationships

When a boy and a girl meet, sometimes certain emotions develope between them that draw them closer together regardless of background, age or any thing that looks remotely like sense. They talk more often, laugh together, and share some common views that they both agree on. Both these humans will slowly realise that each others presence is supremely important after awhile; hence one of them(usually the male) will come up with some random yet totally un-subtle way to meet, where the other person would agree even though its totally ridiculous to expect a girl to go shopping for goalkeeper gloves.

The magic truly starts to work when they meet for the first time. The first eye contact. The tentative smiles. The electrifying accidental touch that makes all sorts of crawly feeling on one's skin and the almost immediate apology. All this would help to build on a foundation that had already been built over those long nights of serious and probing discussions and help further a couple along towards something that many describe as "falling in love", in which case both parties must be utterly insane to willingly join together in a relationship that will not end well for either party.



Im not a cynic. Im just sick of swallowing my own saliva.

LOLOLOLO!

WTF! Fucking funny! Took dis of Dhans blog..

102nd Post

Wow! I completely missed the century of posts so im here to celebrate!

Ive forgotten how to be a civilian. I mean, its all well and good that i book out alot and that i try to spend my weekends with friends and family. But the truth is, my memory is so much fuller since i got into the army. I have so many things to do, that theres alot of memorable moments vs those days where i would play my playstation2 from the time i woke up to the time i slept.

Being an officer has thought me many things. But most of all, it has thought me the importance of decisions.

so im going to decide to sleep now. hah.

Heres a glass to the next 100 posts..

Knee Deep in the Sea

If your familiar with first person shooters, you'd know that one's from Doom. The original FPS that had muliti-weapon arsenal, cool graphics and a bevy of monsters to take on that will never leave you bored. The reason why its the title for this is not because im blogging about it. Rather, i just like those few words, because evidentally, im knee deep in the sea of shit!

Thats right, ladies and Gents. I think its time you guys gave me the benefit of the doubt and just let me be. Please. I know how it looks and I frankly couldnt care less, but it affects us both and I would rather it just affect me. So if you have anything to say at all, say it to me. After all, I am the elder one here, so if anyone has anything to say feel free to knock on my door, but be aware that i might answer late, cos i can barely move my legs thru this dense concentration of faeces.

There are only 3 peoples opinion that matter. Hers. His. Him(the big guy). I love you guys. I would support you thru whatever you want to do, no matter how stupid or inane. I have laid down my time and my blood for you both, and I love you. If it hurts you im sorry. If it hurts the organisation, im sorry. I'm trying my best here, but all i get is shtick and i can take it, but she is finding it hard. So please. If not for me, then do it for her.

I know how it looks. She's young and part of our circle of friends, and im older, with a not very good track record. But why is it that im the bad one here? I just put myself out there you know? Ive been hurt so many times by the girls themselves, so why are you guys giving me a hard time as well? giving us?

Please. Im begging for all I am worth and, knowing that it doesnt amount to much, im begging some more. Please. Let us be. I can go on the whole day about how sorry I am, but like you said, its done. Neither of us saw it coming and when we both fell in it was too late to go back.

So please. Lend a helping hand to me cos the smell of shit is getting too strong.

Growing old

Im getting so old.

You know that feeling when every decision you make has consequences? And im not talking about the rewards. Its just that i keep finding myself in these damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don't circumstances. They just seem to pop up everywhere. I mean, seriously, you cant make these stuff up.

Ive been trying so hard to steer clear of trouble, to steer clear of any dramatic mishaps that seem to love manifesting itself in my life. Ive got a stable job, stable friends, stable life( and i dont mean anything equestrian here) but my life is still so full of IT! I seem to attract trouble. its exactly what happens to Jackie Chan in all his movies. You know? Where he gets attacked for no reason and all he can say is "Leave me ah-lone!" as he whoops some ass. He's got this really scared shit-less look on his face even as he keeps saying "I don wanna no troubre!" and karate-ing every mean guy in sight.

Im not enjoying this. I just want a life thats simple and fulfilling, with a good job, a great wife, kids, a house by a lake, a mini cooper, some weird but cool neighbours plus a novel to work on and im all set to kick back and wait for death to embrace me. Carpe Nox. The end. Finito. But to find this singaporean dream is so tough. so painful. So wrought with torturing emotions and with unendurable actions, not to mention almost impossible because a good lake is hard to find here. I wish i didnt feel like i betrayed people i love. I wish i could hold on to my wealth for my future. I wish i could do what i really want to do instead of settling for a job that i dont see a future in.

I want to decide! I want to find a reason why! i want to satisfy my need to constantly think 3 times into the matter and arrive nowhere whilst trying to look confident and unperturbed, smiling and joking away. Im an oxymoron, a thinking man of action, a stupid genius, a tragic smile, all this and more!

But all i want to be is normal. With normal problems. normal solutions. Normal.

This entry is written for me as an end user. So i apologise when i say, "go figure".

Purpose

I feel better nowadays. More energetic. Life at work seems so much more happening, and i feel like throwing myself into my job. If only i can get off my ass, ill start, i promise.

Ive decided its 3 years is enough. I keep saying how much i love my job, but maybe, just maybe, its all an infinite lie designed to make me believe that i like doing this, that the money i earn is a great incentive, that im always trying to maintain my fitness and better my physique. That its all a good thing.

Of course it is. Im just losing everything else.

Relationships are overrated. Im saying this as someone who has been there and done that, as someone who has been hurt over and over, someone who is jaded, who still dares to dream. But right at this moment, i can safely say that i dun need to be in one right now. Period. Theres so many things i need to settle first, and throwing myself into another rollercoaster ride of emotions is just not going to work.

Ill prolly wait till i go crazy seeing kissy couples and marryied friends before ill think of getting back on that horse.

So what do we do when we fall? we pick ourselves up again. But unfortunately, ive broken both arms and legs, so i can only nod my attempt at getting up.

Those people who are in love? I salute u, and wish u all the best of luck. Everyone else who want to ram down the fact that ur love lifes the epitome, please, go talk to each other. Cos we singletons who confidentally believe tat our methods better dun wanna hear it.

But hey. What are friends for? hah.

Laughter

The greatest thing and the most rewarding thing I have ever done was to make my mother laugh.

Alice

Have you ever looked in the mirror and just smiled at yourself cos your so happy how far you've gone? A small smile of congratulations at your current situation, on the difference that you have made in the world? I do it quite often, actually. I see a nerdy, geeky guy with plenty of issues who has worked so very hard at bettering himself, improving himself so he can arrive at where he is now. A lonely boy who turned into an estranged teen who, finally, becomes a man.

I smile and i smile. And i realise, through the mirror, theres so many more things i have yet to achieve. That i am far from the finished product. That i have no idea where to go next, or how to progress so that i can find this ultimate Taufiq.

I know what i want. And its so embarrasing. Ive always known it, but ive never felt it this hard and heavy before. I always knew I was going to be good at that, but this urgency at wanting to achieve it? I dunnoe.

And im tired of multiple variables.

LOL part 2

Hahahhaa..

I love this vid

LOL

Thanks Harry for this incredibly funny and disturbingly attractive video of Natalie Portman..

OMG!!

I spent the whole of saturday watching the last season of the OC.

Continued watching on sunday.

Finally found some time to skip out to get some blank dvds from the store.

Spent the next 5 hours burning CHUCK on dvd to watch at work.

Slept late to finish this. Woke up late. Burned summore.

Didnt bring it to work, cos its on MY FREAKIN' TABLE!!!

Im getting old. My memory is degenerating. I left my wallet in camp the last time i left work, and i keep issuing the wrong instructions to my guys. Either that, or my brain is being eaten by dream zombies..

Shite. This week looks ominous.