Growing old

Im getting so old.

You know that feeling when every decision you make has consequences? And im not talking about the rewards. Its just that i keep finding myself in these damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don't circumstances. They just seem to pop up everywhere. I mean, seriously, you cant make these stuff up.

Ive been trying so hard to steer clear of trouble, to steer clear of any dramatic mishaps that seem to love manifesting itself in my life. Ive got a stable job, stable friends, stable life( and i dont mean anything equestrian here) but my life is still so full of IT! I seem to attract trouble. its exactly what happens to Jackie Chan in all his movies. You know? Where he gets attacked for no reason and all he can say is "Leave me ah-lone!" as he whoops some ass. He's got this really scared shit-less look on his face even as he keeps saying "I don wanna no troubre!" and karate-ing every mean guy in sight.

Im not enjoying this. I just want a life thats simple and fulfilling, with a good job, a great wife, kids, a house by a lake, a mini cooper, some weird but cool neighbours plus a novel to work on and im all set to kick back and wait for death to embrace me. Carpe Nox. The end. Finito. But to find this singaporean dream is so tough. so painful. So wrought with torturing emotions and with unendurable actions, not to mention almost impossible because a good lake is hard to find here. I wish i didnt feel like i betrayed people i love. I wish i could hold on to my wealth for my future. I wish i could do what i really want to do instead of settling for a job that i dont see a future in.

I want to decide! I want to find a reason why! i want to satisfy my need to constantly think 3 times into the matter and arrive nowhere whilst trying to look confident and unperturbed, smiling and joking away. Im an oxymoron, a thinking man of action, a stupid genius, a tragic smile, all this and more!

But all i want to be is normal. With normal problems. normal solutions. Normal.

This entry is written for me as an end user. So i apologise when i say, "go figure".