Self destruction

I'm pour some oil and flick a light.

Self-immolation.

Dreams

Are they real? Are your futures fortold, your life documented in flashes of movie imagery, with the sole viewer being you and no one else?

Are they just impulses from the brain of what your subconcious really wants? Your innermost desires, your most darkest, most sadistic desires?

Are they metaphors, to allow you to see things that you are never meant to see? The secrets of life itself?

Or are they utter rubbish. Just another dosage of cosmic entertainment as you rest, the song you hear as the doors close and the lift moves to the next floor?

It was so real. I saw you, with someone else, and it hurt. I felt lost.

We were in a restaurant.

You told me that you can't be with me. That you left because you had your reasons, and that you were happy now.

And you said you couldn't bear my child.

Then the scene shifted. And it became her. And me. Her face was slightly older, slightly more world weary. But there was an enthusiasm that I had never seen before. She took my hand and placed it on her stomach. And then she said," don't worry. I will have your baby."

it felt so real.

But like I said. It's utter rubbish.

Something New?

Im in my fourth year of my Army life.. things are getting a little monotonous, a little guessable.. im going to be 24 next year, and im still unable to write anything on Ilyas.

Ive applied for SMU. and Ive applied to the American University of Richmond in the UK. Thats just a dream. I cant afford to pay 120k just to get a degree. But hell, it would be so much fun to go.

I want to travel again. I want to discover myself, because frankly, i havent found anything worthwhile about myself. I figured out that i am capable of the best and the worst things, and that i am never at ease or at peace with myself. I realise that I am the worst part of being Human. Hopefully, i can move on. Hopefully.

I dunnoe how im feeling. I dun want to know why im here. I just want to desroy everything thats good and real because it isnt.

so difficult to explain. So badly in need of an outlet. Here it is. And your still my muse.

Im doing my S.A.T.S

Can you believe it? I have no idea how im going to ace it, but its my shot to get into SMU and if it works, ill be on course to get my teaching license. Imagine that! :)

Halo ODST

Im not a halo fan. But just check this out..

Social Relationships

When a boy and a girl meet, sometimes certain emotions develope between them that draw them closer together regardless of background, age or any thing that looks remotely like sense. They talk more often, laugh together, and share some common views that they both agree on. Both these humans will slowly realise that each others presence is supremely important after awhile; hence one of them(usually the male) will come up with some random yet totally un-subtle way to meet, where the other person would agree even though its totally ridiculous to expect a girl to go shopping for goalkeeper gloves.

The magic truly starts to work when they meet for the first time. The first eye contact. The tentative smiles. The electrifying accidental touch that makes all sorts of crawly feeling on one's skin and the almost immediate apology. All this would help to build on a foundation that had already been built over those long nights of serious and probing discussions and help further a couple along towards something that many describe as "falling in love", in which case both parties must be utterly insane to willingly join together in a relationship that will not end well for either party.



Im not a cynic. Im just sick of swallowing my own saliva.

LOLOLOLO!

WTF! Fucking funny! Took dis of Dhans blog..

102nd Post

Wow! I completely missed the century of posts so im here to celebrate!

Ive forgotten how to be a civilian. I mean, its all well and good that i book out alot and that i try to spend my weekends with friends and family. But the truth is, my memory is so much fuller since i got into the army. I have so many things to do, that theres alot of memorable moments vs those days where i would play my playstation2 from the time i woke up to the time i slept.

Being an officer has thought me many things. But most of all, it has thought me the importance of decisions.

so im going to decide to sleep now. hah.

Heres a glass to the next 100 posts..

Knee Deep in the Sea

If your familiar with first person shooters, you'd know that one's from Doom. The original FPS that had muliti-weapon arsenal, cool graphics and a bevy of monsters to take on that will never leave you bored. The reason why its the title for this is not because im blogging about it. Rather, i just like those few words, because evidentally, im knee deep in the sea of shit!

Thats right, ladies and Gents. I think its time you guys gave me the benefit of the doubt and just let me be. Please. I know how it looks and I frankly couldnt care less, but it affects us both and I would rather it just affect me. So if you have anything to say at all, say it to me. After all, I am the elder one here, so if anyone has anything to say feel free to knock on my door, but be aware that i might answer late, cos i can barely move my legs thru this dense concentration of faeces.

There are only 3 peoples opinion that matter. Hers. His. Him(the big guy). I love you guys. I would support you thru whatever you want to do, no matter how stupid or inane. I have laid down my time and my blood for you both, and I love you. If it hurts you im sorry. If it hurts the organisation, im sorry. I'm trying my best here, but all i get is shtick and i can take it, but she is finding it hard. So please. If not for me, then do it for her.

I know how it looks. She's young and part of our circle of friends, and im older, with a not very good track record. But why is it that im the bad one here? I just put myself out there you know? Ive been hurt so many times by the girls themselves, so why are you guys giving me a hard time as well? giving us?

Please. Im begging for all I am worth and, knowing that it doesnt amount to much, im begging some more. Please. Let us be. I can go on the whole day about how sorry I am, but like you said, its done. Neither of us saw it coming and when we both fell in it was too late to go back.

So please. Lend a helping hand to me cos the smell of shit is getting too strong.

Growing old

Im getting so old.

You know that feeling when every decision you make has consequences? And im not talking about the rewards. Its just that i keep finding myself in these damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don't circumstances. They just seem to pop up everywhere. I mean, seriously, you cant make these stuff up.

Ive been trying so hard to steer clear of trouble, to steer clear of any dramatic mishaps that seem to love manifesting itself in my life. Ive got a stable job, stable friends, stable life( and i dont mean anything equestrian here) but my life is still so full of IT! I seem to attract trouble. its exactly what happens to Jackie Chan in all his movies. You know? Where he gets attacked for no reason and all he can say is "Leave me ah-lone!" as he whoops some ass. He's got this really scared shit-less look on his face even as he keeps saying "I don wanna no troubre!" and karate-ing every mean guy in sight.

Im not enjoying this. I just want a life thats simple and fulfilling, with a good job, a great wife, kids, a house by a lake, a mini cooper, some weird but cool neighbours plus a novel to work on and im all set to kick back and wait for death to embrace me. Carpe Nox. The end. Finito. But to find this singaporean dream is so tough. so painful. So wrought with torturing emotions and with unendurable actions, not to mention almost impossible because a good lake is hard to find here. I wish i didnt feel like i betrayed people i love. I wish i could hold on to my wealth for my future. I wish i could do what i really want to do instead of settling for a job that i dont see a future in.

I want to decide! I want to find a reason why! i want to satisfy my need to constantly think 3 times into the matter and arrive nowhere whilst trying to look confident and unperturbed, smiling and joking away. Im an oxymoron, a thinking man of action, a stupid genius, a tragic smile, all this and more!

But all i want to be is normal. With normal problems. normal solutions. Normal.

This entry is written for me as an end user. So i apologise when i say, "go figure".

Purpose

I feel better nowadays. More energetic. Life at work seems so much more happening, and i feel like throwing myself into my job. If only i can get off my ass, ill start, i promise.

Ive decided its 3 years is enough. I keep saying how much i love my job, but maybe, just maybe, its all an infinite lie designed to make me believe that i like doing this, that the money i earn is a great incentive, that im always trying to maintain my fitness and better my physique. That its all a good thing.

Of course it is. Im just losing everything else.

Relationships are overrated. Im saying this as someone who has been there and done that, as someone who has been hurt over and over, someone who is jaded, who still dares to dream. But right at this moment, i can safely say that i dun need to be in one right now. Period. Theres so many things i need to settle first, and throwing myself into another rollercoaster ride of emotions is just not going to work.

Ill prolly wait till i go crazy seeing kissy couples and marryied friends before ill think of getting back on that horse.

So what do we do when we fall? we pick ourselves up again. But unfortunately, ive broken both arms and legs, so i can only nod my attempt at getting up.

Those people who are in love? I salute u, and wish u all the best of luck. Everyone else who want to ram down the fact that ur love lifes the epitome, please, go talk to each other. Cos we singletons who confidentally believe tat our methods better dun wanna hear it.

But hey. What are friends for? hah.

Laughter

The greatest thing and the most rewarding thing I have ever done was to make my mother laugh.

Alice

Have you ever looked in the mirror and just smiled at yourself cos your so happy how far you've gone? A small smile of congratulations at your current situation, on the difference that you have made in the world? I do it quite often, actually. I see a nerdy, geeky guy with plenty of issues who has worked so very hard at bettering himself, improving himself so he can arrive at where he is now. A lonely boy who turned into an estranged teen who, finally, becomes a man.

I smile and i smile. And i realise, through the mirror, theres so many more things i have yet to achieve. That i am far from the finished product. That i have no idea where to go next, or how to progress so that i can find this ultimate Taufiq.

I know what i want. And its so embarrasing. Ive always known it, but ive never felt it this hard and heavy before. I always knew I was going to be good at that, but this urgency at wanting to achieve it? I dunnoe.

And im tired of multiple variables.

LOL part 2

Hahahhaa..

I love this vid

LOL

Thanks Harry for this incredibly funny and disturbingly attractive video of Natalie Portman..

OMG!!

I spent the whole of saturday watching the last season of the OC.

Continued watching on sunday.

Finally found some time to skip out to get some blank dvds from the store.

Spent the next 5 hours burning CHUCK on dvd to watch at work.

Slept late to finish this. Woke up late. Burned summore.

Didnt bring it to work, cos its on MY FREAKIN' TABLE!!!

Im getting old. My memory is degenerating. I left my wallet in camp the last time i left work, and i keep issuing the wrong instructions to my guys. Either that, or my brain is being eaten by dream zombies..

Shite. This week looks ominous.

Everything

Your a falling star
Your the get away car
Your the line in the sand
When i go too far

Your the swimming pool
On my estate
Your the perfect thing to sing

And you play it coy
But its kinda cute
When you smile at me you know exactly what you do
Baby dont pretend,
That you dont know its true
That you can see it when i look at u

And in this crazy life, in this crazy times
Its you, its you, you make me sing,
Your every line, your every word
Your everything.



Im so tired nowadays. The fire inside doesnt seem to burn anymore cos everything seems murky. Expectations, objectives, plans. Everything seems to mean everything but mean nothing. How oxymoronic can u get?

I cant help but feel like im in a quaterlife crisis.

The Ride of the Valkyrie

After watching this movie ive learnt a few things.

1)My Armour friend was telling me that if things start to falter in an operation, it always takes an Armour Officer to get things done.

2)Indecision kills. Literally.

3)A man is only a man when he makes a decision and sticks with it no matter what the consequence. That way, he's word is always true, and no one can take that away from him.

4)Hitler was either damn lucky or the rest were damn unlucky. Either way, we all knew how it was going to end.

5)Every operation has its cock ups. You can never run out of contingencies.

I liked Valkyrie. It reminded me of how the Romans used to try and oust the current government. It was always for the good of Rome, for the good of the people, for the good of the future. In fact, it normally meant for the good of the individual or a select few. In retrospect, we could say that the guys behind the plots to destroy Hitler were doing the right thing, but how could they have known that at that time? Everyone was still behind the regime. So how could this guys have the foresight to actually say " hey, i think this is wrong. I believe that i should not standby and let it happen." Without knowing what lay in the future, they put everything on the line to achieve the ideals and principles they stood for, believing what they were doing was right and just.

As Tommy puts it so eloquently in 'Snatch' as he points the gun to the head of the gangsta armed with a baseball bat, will i ever have the "minerals" to stick to my plan, no matter the cost?

Inshallah. God Willing.

V-Day

A few things ive learnt today:-

1) v day isnt so bad when u spend it with friends. No matter how incredibly negative u feel.

2) i think ive dated too much cos one ex is attached to someone close to me while another is getting married to a cousin!

3) you can blog with the iphone!

4) no matter how bad things go, faith in your product is the most rewarding thing of all. Cos no matter what, theres always a chance of success. Apologies to all because i began to lose faith in everything. And everyone.

5) im not as funny as i thought.

6) im not as mature as i thought.

7) im wise enough to realise iM not very mature.

8) im taking the first steps in accomplishing the 3 tasks i set for myself!

Night all. Im all DONE for the day..

:D

Musings

Ive been thinking.. Do things really change when u grow up? i mean, sure, when i was 10 i loved drinking kickapoo joy juice, you know that acidic yellow drink filled with nothing but sugar and caffeine? Now i dont really like it that much, perhaps a 4 out of ten?

A couple of years ago, i was presented with an opportunity that i knew i would miss if i blinked. So i didnt. Worked as best i can at it, only to find that in the end, i was just kidding myself that i would achieve that dream.

Some time ago, miracles of miracles, ANOTHER opportunity presented itself. Much of the same as the intitial one but with differing variables: i was older, wiser, had more experience in the field and I knew what it took to actually succeed in this endaevour. But no matter how hard i tried, twisting this way and that, patiently holding back the young enthusiastic buck who had all but died away, only to find the end result matching the earlier chance.

So, however much ive grown, have i really changed at all? I still look the same, albeit more leathery and haggard due to the exposure to the sun. Im still the same height, the same built, my hairs the same colour. But i know that ive changed. My eyes are different. My brain think in different patterns. My words are measured, still vulgar and abrasive at times, but gentle. I might not have become smarter but i definitely have become wiser. So why the same outcome?

I guess, in retrospect, my goals might have changed, but my reaction to certain subject matter,places and people are still the same. I might have dulled the foolish tongue, but even a blunt knife can kill. Im still the same person after all. Just slightly stronger, more patient, and more resilient.

I wont CMCF right now. Even though i want to. There is just no point. Its a waste of energy and will only lead to me being utterly shagged out. No. i will be patient, as is my wont. I will be disciplined, and i will not let this setback destroy the Zen that i have built over the past 2 years of my life.

hmmph. Sometimes im really Macam paham only.. haha..

Alright! Lets write!

"So, there i was just basically sitting there doing just nothing, and this guy comes up to me and says, you gotta be kidding me! and he jams this really ancient looking piece, and im talking ancient dinosauric with a capital D, right into my armpit and just laughs! Yeah, he just laughs! Its like he was a maniac or something!"

I wondered silently if it was a maniac with a capital M.

"So then i says to him.." Moe was determined to tell his story, but i could tell it was a believable as his rolex that had the numbers 3, 6, and 9 in roman numerals and totally poiting in the wrong directions.

"So you say to him."

"What?" Brows furrowed, brain trying to register this sentence but unfortunately, if his noggin was a register it was not a very big one. Or a very fast one. "That's what i said!"

"Nope, you said, 'So then, i says to him' dot dot dot," I said, underlining the dots with a dot on my notebook. "Its say. Present tense, singular."

Face getting redder now. Sweat bumps appearing among swarthy features and erupting down his grimy skin. Moe mouth opens and close for a few more times before he decided having it stay shut was the proper thing to do.

"Ok, Mr Turner. I just had a pretty long night. One of my clients just got threatened by her ex and I was up all night doing surveillance. I know your very enthusiastic, and this is the what.. 5th time your applying for this job?"

Moe looked affronted and held up seven fingers.

"Fine, 7th time. But i really need a proper assistant. someone who can work my file drawers, pull up leads from the streets while im up elsewhere, someone who can do surveillance while im trying to break in. I mean youve got nothing but your stories that you keep telling me are true!" Actually, i was pretty impressed with his record. Born in '98, he had served with the boys in flanders and was one of the few who came back with nary a gas mark. Recorded company marksman, fittest man in his platoon and seems to have been almost decorated with the congressional medal of honour, but he claimed it was someone else. The perfect guy for the team i was assembling.

But he just can't shut up!

"But they are true! The german put his piece in my armpit, started yelling crazy horse, so i smashed him in the face with a leftover under and he went willy-nilly over no mans land back to his mama's skirts! And i even got a little bit of him with me!" Moe took out an envelope from the inside of his jacket pocket and opened it. Inside was a small brownish lump that he shook onto his hand, before almost throwing it at me to let me see.

"See, thats his front teeth, the one I smashed in when he tried to bite me a little later!" His grin was crazy but winning, and when i say winning i mean like winning the bullet in Russian Roulette.

I waved my hand. "Ill think about it. Right now im really busy."

"Come one, boss!" He had whisked away the tooth and now had his hat in his hands. " ive got kids to feed, see? And the missus aint going to be too pleased if i dont get no job soon. She promised not to give me any whoopi if i dont get something together!"

i winced, got out of my chair and opened the door to my office with a bang. "Out! i dont want to hear about the ammoural adventures of the toad family! Ill think about it I said, and ill call on you if i need your services! Go!"

Moe put his hat on and morosely left, dragging his scuffed shoes over my persian carpet. He caught his hat in the chandlier that Monica bought me when we went to paris on our honeymoon, stumbled,tripped over Keejo, who was hidding under the divan the whole time and only choosing that perfect instant to dash out and have a sniff at Moe, who finally went head first through my window.

I put my head in my hands.

There was a sound of glass pieces being dropped on the floor as Moe extricated himself from the mess. " Im so.. so sorry, mister.."

"GET!"

13

13 days after the new year, and things are kinda looking up.

Remember i said i might bollock up my new years eve? well i didnt, apparently, and it still turned out great. Completely missed the fireworks though, but it was kinda fun running into dome to surprise man(who wasnt really surprised, by the way) and playing a few hands of "Family business". It was fun, cos we all came up with nick names and mine was the Green Coat(no surprise there), Dhaniah was "Blind" Kelly, Aishah was Black widow, Yi Han was Doc Cheong, Yazid was RugRats(don't ask), Shai was the Godfather(even less of a surprise) shahdon was Don IvannaHumpalot(which was surprisingly funny!) and Man i christened as Don Mantero.. It was night full of laughs and i smile everytime i think about it.. It was friendship that had lasted for 4 years now, and still going strong.. :)

I rented a car for Shai's birthday bash and was well rewarded by getting saddled with the emcee job, which was kinda cool i suppose.. I did pretty well( at least that was what i was told lah) and i suppose i could take alot from that particular experience, seeing that i had absolutely no time to plan and just winged it all the goddamn way.. but it was fun and i kinda got the crowd joining in, so it was a success!

I had a few objectives to meet for the car, i mean I did pay 230 dollars for a beat up Swift, and if I didnt meet them i would have been pretty pissed off.

Haha. Good thing I accomplished every single one I set out to do. Even the hardest, most impossible one. 2009 is looking like a good year. :)