Musings

Ive been thinking.. Do things really change when u grow up? i mean, sure, when i was 10 i loved drinking kickapoo joy juice, you know that acidic yellow drink filled with nothing but sugar and caffeine? Now i dont really like it that much, perhaps a 4 out of ten?

A couple of years ago, i was presented with an opportunity that i knew i would miss if i blinked. So i didnt. Worked as best i can at it, only to find that in the end, i was just kidding myself that i would achieve that dream.

Some time ago, miracles of miracles, ANOTHER opportunity presented itself. Much of the same as the intitial one but with differing variables: i was older, wiser, had more experience in the field and I knew what it took to actually succeed in this endaevour. But no matter how hard i tried, twisting this way and that, patiently holding back the young enthusiastic buck who had all but died away, only to find the end result matching the earlier chance.

So, however much ive grown, have i really changed at all? I still look the same, albeit more leathery and haggard due to the exposure to the sun. Im still the same height, the same built, my hairs the same colour. But i know that ive changed. My eyes are different. My brain think in different patterns. My words are measured, still vulgar and abrasive at times, but gentle. I might not have become smarter but i definitely have become wiser. So why the same outcome?

I guess, in retrospect, my goals might have changed, but my reaction to certain subject matter,places and people are still the same. I might have dulled the foolish tongue, but even a blunt knife can kill. Im still the same person after all. Just slightly stronger, more patient, and more resilient.

I wont CMCF right now. Even though i want to. There is just no point. Its a waste of energy and will only lead to me being utterly shagged out. No. i will be patient, as is my wont. I will be disciplined, and i will not let this setback destroy the Zen that i have built over the past 2 years of my life.

hmmph. Sometimes im really Macam paham only.. haha..